It seems that I'm on a roll lately, just can't stop writing :) Many interesting things are happening in my life lately, which bring me to different realizations. Some of them might be obvious others less obvious, but whatever the case is, I would like to share them with you.
Today I will talk about TRUST and its dynamics.
An obvious truth about trust is that it's a key component of our civilization and how we interact with each other. Trusting someone allows us to know what to expect from them in a particular situation.
However, when we do the opposite of what they were expecting, people lose trust in you and gaining that trust back is almost impossible in most cases. So why is that? Why DO we lose trust and why IS IT so hard to gain it back?
What I came to realize is that betraying someone's trust, always comes from a point of weakness. When we first meet somebody we start communicating, on all levels and we start knowing each other on all levels, by noticing certain cues and listening to what he/she is saying. Based on this information, we learn who the other person is and we pretty much expect them to be the person they present themselves to be.
However life is tough and we are by far not perfect creatures. Many things happen in our life that affect us, make us scared or insecure and in these precise moment something happens that leads to the destabilization of trust.
Today's humans aren't very in touch with their true essence. Somewhere along the way of evolution we lost the touch with who we really are (and it keeps getting worse), instead our brilliant mind started creating personas for ourselves, images of who are mind thinks that we are. This images are never accurate, they can not be accurate since our mind, even with his great power is still very flawed. Anyway, what happens is that when we meet another person, we start communicating to them that "we are our persona" and most of the time people actually believe us and don't see trough to our true essence.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. When something unexpected or difficult happens, which isn't integrated into our persona, we get scared. Our mind is very very scared of the unknown, his quite pathetic actually, when it comes down to these kinds of situation. And what these situations do, is start a chain of events which ultimately affects the trust of the people who surround us.
In those moments, those tests of life, we lose the sense of who we are, not knowing how to handle it, we do something that is completely out of character, or more exactly something that doesn't come from our deep selves, but from our mind. In these moments we betray ourselves, we lose congruency with who we are, we become another person, a persona that is created out of the flawedness of our mind.
Of course, people who trust you, they trust either your deep inner self or the persona you presented to them. But in any case, the lack of character that arises from the weakness inside you, in the face of a challenge, will completely destabilize this trust. They will realize that what they thought about you that was real, isn't and in the future they will know that they cannot expect that particular thing from you.
One of the more interesting things that surrounds trust, is its depth. When you mess up a small thing, people will lose their trust in your ability to that particular thing, but it's not that big of an issue and they get over it, pretty quick. However when you betray somebody's trust on a deep level, you show them that deep down you are not the person you presented yourself to be and by doing this, you not only create doubt regarding that particular subject, but you also put question marks around everything that comes above it. When you really mes up, people will have a hard time trusting you in anything, because if you're flawed at such a deep level, there is a very high chance that you are a weak person and that you will betray them in many other places.
Unfortunately, like I mentioned before, we are not perfect creatures. We do make mistakes, we do hurt the ones around us and we do by betray their trust. It is unavoidable.
And that's the beauty of it, that's the beauty of being humans. Whenever we fail, a chance arises for us to know our selves and grow. And this is exactly what you need to do if you ever desire to regain people's trust.
What society, more exactly politics teaches us, is that with careful communication and arguments, it is pretty simple to get back people's trust. And this is what WE try to do as well. When we fuck up, we go apologize and present arguments on how you will try to avoid the situation in the future. Now due to the compassionate nature of the human race, we tend to convince ourselves to believe them over and over and over again. But what will happen again and again and again (I loooooove repetition today :) ) is to repeat the same mistake in a different way, since the true cause is still there. The persona is flawed and instead of going in and fixing them we try to cover it up.
Unfortunately, whatever we do, until we handle it, real trust will never exist again. More then that, if you betray someone's trust and you manage to somehow, gain it back, that person will probably test you over and over again to see if you are really trustable.
And here is where it gets really really messy. You betray your true self and in consequence the trust of somebody who's close to you. You realize what you did and you decide to try to work on yourself, however you will face a new obstacle. The weakness of the person you betrayed and yes, they ARE WEAK.
Why do I say this? Well once your trust is betrayed, you get scared and afraid to suffer the same fate again. Now the person who betrayed your trust might really start to work on himself and try really hard, but you sabotage him from your own weakness. Working on yourself is a hard and difficult process in its own, but when someone is putting a tremendous pressure on you, by testing you, the process becomes almost impossible.
People are week no doubt about it. Others betray you because they are weak, and that you make it impossible for them to handle the situation, because you're scared and week.
Trust can be gained fully back under only one condition, by removing the cause, by becoming true to yourself in difficult situations, especially in the type of situation where you messed up before.
Giving trust back is very hard also, we are always afraid of getting hurt again. However this is just an excuse for being pathetic and weak. If you are a strong person and your trust gets betrayed, you will stand by the other person if you seem him/her make real tries in getting to be true to him/herself.
This is of course not an obligation, but if you do care about the person, you will help him/her grow.
For any type of relationship between you people to work, strength is needed. If both sides are weak...well then you need to find someone who is strong enough to stand by you when things get rough.
How to avoid betraying yourself and the trust that other people have in you?
It's that simple. When you are present and aware of yourself and not some persona or image created by your mind you will be strong and trustable by all who care about you.